Thursday 21st December - Nicole Richie Wishes You All A Very Merry Christmas

Just in case there was ever any doubt that he would get custody of his kids, K-Fed has proved he's a mature, level-headed father figure by agreeing to fight WWE champion John Cena on New Year's Day in Miami. He's got the fighting talk down to a tee too - 'the real Kevin Federline never backs down from a challenge. Make all your jokes, because New Year's Day I'm the one who is going to be laughing. Oh yeah, Cena, my name is not K-Fed, it's Kevin Federline, bitch, and I want some and I'm gonna get some'. Wow. That's really special.

This is Prince Andrew's bizarre Moroccan/Matt Lucas wedding reception-themed Christmas card. How much do his kids wish they were dead?

Channel 4 has unveiled the new-look, Celebrity Big Brother house with vivid orange carpets inside and flock-style wallpaper outside. The garden has also shrunk in size because of the cold weather and the kitchen enlarged instead. I'm not really seeing anything different from the last BB house.

Britney took her 16-year-old sister, Jamie-Lynn, to a tattoo parlour in LA to get a tiny star inked on her hand. Whether this quite constitutes 'news', I don't know. Actually, I do know - it really doesn't. I'm sorry. Here's a photo anyway.


Leona Lewis is guaranteed a number one Christmas single - it's outselling Take That by 25 to 1 and Girls Aloud by 50 to 1.

Nauseating MP Lembit Opik intervened with the Home Office in a bid to stop his Cheeky Girl girlfriend from being deported. In August, Gabriela and Mincia Irimia were denied leave to remain in the UK but, after Lembit spoke to Immigration Minister Liam Byrne and asked a senior MP to help out too, they were allowed to stay.

Mel B has hired top Hollywood lawyer Don Engel to help her fight Eddie Murphy in the courts. She has vowed to get every penny she can after insisting her unborn child is his. Eddie Murphy? Mel B? What is this, 1990?

James Blunt and Paris Hilton have been seen getting cosy in a Hollywood club.

Victoria Beckham says she had her hair extensions pulled out and a bob chopped in so that she can have more sex with David as she reckoned her nylon weave was getting in the way of their romps - 'with hair extensions you can be in the midst of passion and one flies out'. She's so full of it.

Wednesday 20th December - A quiet day news-wise

It looks like the rumours were true - Declan Donnelly is (most probably) seeing Jonny Wilksinson's ex, Diana Stewart. Here they are playing golf together. Their height difference is kind of freaking me out a bit.

No no no no no no no. Chris Tarrant's daughter has now spoken out about her father's misdemeanours. 18 year old Sammy Tarrant has hopped on the desperado bandwagon, snatching her own two sad seconds of fame by publicly branding her dad 'pathetic' and stelling First magazine that she'll never forgive his betrayal. Hands up if you care about this story. Yep, I'm seeing zero hands.

Guy Ritchie's father has spoken out about his son's relationship with Madonna, telling reporters their marriage is being put under a whole lot of strain by her wanting to adopt another child.

Leona Lewis is going to be a megastar. She has sparked a bidding war in the US, with Sony and J Records bombarding Simon Cowell with calls, begging him to let them represent her.

Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia has said it was 'love at first sight' when she first clapped eyes on Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik. I'm giving this relationship days. No, seconds.

In other please-stop-me-from-picturing-them-having-sex news, Noel Edmonds has found love with Liz Davies - Deal Or No Deal's make-up artist. Apparently she's married but that didn't stop her from jetting off yesterday to spend a long weekend in France together.

Gabby Logan is quitting ITV to join the BBC.

Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd-Webber will re-unite for Any Dream Will Do on BBC1 next summer. The show will search for a male lead, school choir, female narrator and Pharaoh for a new production of Joseph and His Technicolor Dreamcoat. ITV1 are set to rival the show with You're The One That I Want - a talent contest being made by Cowell's production company Syco that will search for people to play Danny and Sandy in the stage show Grease. Yeesh.

Tuesday 19th December - Nicola Pussycat Doll is a man

Lindsay Lohan has been taking stripper lessons to prepare for a role as a topless dancer in her next film, I Know Who Killed Me and decided to send this demure email to her entire mailbox: 'They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously! So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya'. Hey Lohan, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Mary Kate Olsen has finally completed her transformation from pretty-as-a-picture starlet to someone that looks dead by bleaching her hair and somehow sapping her skin of colour. Lord knows I love an Olsen and I like to think I've stuck with MK through thick and thin (ho ho) - even when she was in the midst of her bag lady phase I just let her get on with it - but this is too, too much.

Paris Hilton has told a reporter that she hasn't had sex in six or seven months. Sure she hasn't.

Dannii Minogue joined Kylie on stage at Melbourne's Rod Laver arena as part of her Australian Showgirl Tour yesterday. The pair sang Kids together. I'm not really digging Kylie's look. Dannii looks incredible though.

Is this picture even real??! The Daily Mail are saying that Britney's hard-partying lifestyle has made her fat but, as much as I love a celebrity weight gain, I struggle to believe this photo hasn't been doctored. Only last week Britney looked incredible, now she looks like Kirstie Alley. It doesn't add up.

Robbie Williams has said that he has no plans to have children, as he couldn't guarantee that they would not 'suffer' or 'feel pain'. Please. He really needs to get himself dosed up on Vicodin and get over himself.

O my god, what happened to Nicola Pussycat Doll?

Leona Lewis is being lined up for a £5million record deal in the US. She's due to fly out next Thursday to meet Clive Davis, the great big walking cashpoint behind Whitney Houston.

Eva Longoria is to open the Harrods winter sale. Zzzz.

Jordan has said she wants to record a duet with Barry Manilow after they met at the Royal Variety Performance - 'he's not agreed yet, but I'm hopeful' she said.

Paul McCartney was introduced to Jason Donovan at George Michael's Wembley gig on Sunday and had no idea who he was. After politely refusing to have his picture taken with Jason, he whispered to an aide 'who was that guy again?'

Monday 18th December - H is still desperate for fame

It has been revealed that Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik who, up until 2 weeks ago was engaged to weathergirl Sian Lloyd, has been shagging Gabriela Irimia - one of The Cheeky Girls. I have no idea who Lembit Opik is and care very little about Sian Lloyd. What I do know though is that shagging a Cheeky Girl is wrong, wrong, wrong. It's like getting off with Barry from The Chuckle Brothers but a trillion times worse.

Leona Lewis won The X Factor after vocally kicking Ray's arse. It was one of the campest things I ever saw - Ray sang with Westlife, Leona performed with Take That, Simon welled up and they even dragged in that shy boy who was a bag of nerves in auditions to sing Right Here Waiting For You. Anyway, Leona is apparently already being inundated with offers from the US and Ray has also been signed by Cowell to release a swing album.

Matt Lucas has married his TV producer boyfriend of 3 years, Kevin McGee, in a civil partnership ceremony. The pair had a panto-themed reception - Paul O'Grady turned up dressed as Captain Hook, Will Young was an Ugly Sister and David Walliams went as Christopher Biggins, bizarrely. Babs Windsor was also there unsurprisingly - where there's a gay, you can always bet Windsor isn't going to be too far behind.

Big, fat, walking piggy bank Oprah Winfrey is venturing into the reality TV genre for her latest project - developing two shows on the theme of money. The Big Give will see the media tycoon hand out cash to 10 contestants who must use it help other people. The second show, Your Money or Your Life, will send experts to help families out of money crises. Winfrey is still deciding what her on-screen role will be in the programmes, but has said she will appear in at least one of them.

The super-dull Tarrant debacle rages on. Despite bemoaning all the publicity his lovelife is getting, Chris is now accusing showbiz pal Gloria Hunniford of 'cashing in' on his split from Ingrid after he gave her an interview for her TV show and she went behind his back and told all to a magazine. Or something.

Heather Mills has been given a panic alarm by police after gangsters threatened to attack her.

Jade Goody's pre-pubescent boyfriend Jack Tweedy proposed to her while on holiday in Lapland at the weekend. Thankfully, she had the sense to say no, claiming it wasn't the right time and that she wasn't ready.

Former Steps singer 'H' is set to appear in Celeb Big Brother in the new year. He's
expected to join A-Team actor Dirk Benedict, Starsky and Hutch star Paul Michael Glaser and singer Jermaine Jackson in the famous house. Hasselhoff is also being courted by producers to appear. This doesn't really excite me. H has potential to be a nutcase but the others are all a bit nothingy.

Justin Timberlake was on Saturday Night Live at the weekend and took part in this. It's actually quite funny:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-5grqhj1b8&eurl=

Friday 15th December - Alice Beer isn't even famous

Paris Hilton left Nellos restaurant in New York on Wednesday with what looked like coke up her nose - see:

Her agent was having none of it though - ' I would imagine it's something like whipped cream or a sugary substance from dessert. Something that naturally might have found it's way to onto her face if she touched her nose or whatever. I'd label it a stray dessert'. Please, not the old stray dessert line again.

Uh-oh, Nicole Richie might have to go to jail (except she won't). She was jailed for DUI in 2002 and Californian law states that if you get caught under the influence twice, you have to go to prison for five days (really, she won't, I'll happily bet good money on it, these things never happen).

Here's Liza Minnelli at Heathrow airport yesterday, looking M-E-N-T-A-L with drawn-on eyebrows and a horse-hair wig.

Paris and Britters may not be best friends anymore - after apologising for her behaviour on her website, Spears hasn't been seen out with Hilton. That's not to say Britney's stopped getting naked in public though - here she is at a Burlesque show in her bra. I don't know why.

And here she is prior to shedding her shirt, looking INCREDIBLE:

Talk about the blind leading the blind - Courteney Love has revealed she's helping Pete Doherty fight his drug demons. Good luck.

Chris Moyles gets paid £15 every time he plays one of his jingles as he wrote them. This means he's getting an extra £75k a year, on top of his £630k salary.

Teenage rascal Peaches Geldof has been caught using a doctored passport to get into London's Koko club. She is only 17 but had got handy with her computer and changed her birth date to say she's 19.

Alice Beer made an arse of herself on Wednesday when she left the Comedy Awards party and fell over a traffic cone pissed. There are two things that really concern me about this story, they are 1) her chintz puffball skirt and 2) that Alice Beer was invited to the Comedy Awards. She's been on Watchdog and presented a show called Holiday Hit Squad that I never even heard of until today, and that's it. The big bloody charlatan.

Thursday 14th December - Ricky Gervais jumps the shark

Nicole Richie reckons she is on Vicodin for period pains. Yep, because people with BMI of 4 still get periods. She's also apparently miffed at police for saying she weighs 85lbs as she is actually 95lbs and 'proud of her weight gain'. This whole story is riddled with lies, lies, lies.

K-Fed is saying he's going to write a book that will reveal 'shocking secrets' about Britney and her wild drinking, bisexual tendencies and alleged drug use. He's either hoping a publisher will pay him big bucks or that Britney will get scared and cough up more cash than what's in their prenup (estimated to be $360,000 in spousal support plus $7 million from the sale of their Malibu home) to stop him. Seeing as he can barely write his own name without fucking it up, I think maybe Britney shouldn't worry too much.

Has Beyonce had a boob job? One that's gone a bit wrong?

Not happy with hunting down the nation's ghosts, Girls Aloud have now moved into politics - giving an interview to The New Statesman, weirdly. While Sarah Harding reckons we 'need to make politics more user-friendly', it was Cheryl who offered the best suggestions, telling the interviewer that she thinks political ads should be on during Corrie and that 'footballers' wives are just as bad as benefit scroungers'. Groundbreaking.

The Comedy Awards were on last night and they were dull, dull dull. Apart from when Madonna pitched up to present Sacha Baron Cohen with an award for writing, which was made quite exciting by just how thin she looked. Chris Tarrant got awards with the Lifetime Achievement trophy by the king of Jamaican accents and not much else, Lenny Henry.

Here's the full list of winners:
• Best TV Comedy Actor - Stephen Merchant (Extras)• Best TV Comedy Actress - Catherine Tate (The Catherine Tate Xmas Special)• Best Comedy Entertainment Personality - Harry Hill (Harry Hill's TV Burp)• Best Male Comedy Newcomer - Russell Brand (Russell Brand's Got Issues)• Best Female Comedy Newcomer - Charlotte Church (The Charlotte Church Show)• Britain's Best New TV Comedy - Star Stories• Best TV Comedy - Peep Show• Best Comedy Entertainment Programme - Harry Hill's TV Burp• Best Stage Comedy - Little Britain• Outstanding Contribution to Entertainment - Chris Tarrant• Writers Guild of Great Britain Ronnie Barker Award - Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen, Dan Mazer, Anthony Hines, Peter Baynham)• Best Comedy Film - Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit• Best International Comedy Show - Curb Your Enthusiasm• Best Live Stand-Up Tour - Jimmy Carr (Gag Reflex)

Angelina Jolie has said she bought son Maddox a plate of crickets the last time they were in Cambodia as they're a delicacy over there.

Cameron Diaz has revealed she once had lesbian feelings for Pamela Anderson - 'she was my first major girl crush' she told gay magazine The Advocate. She's full of it.

JLo and Jim Carrey are the latest Hollywoodites to hop on the Scientology train - they were introduced to it by none other than Tom Cruise.

This is the poster that's currently on Sunset Boulevard advertising Extras - hello airbrush, so-long big, fat pudding-face jowls.

Chesney Hawkes is auctioning the chance to shave his head for charity. The top ebay bidder will get to to the deed at a charity concert in aid of disabled children on Sunday. Shane Richie and Kevin Simm from Liberty X will also perform. Wowsers - Hawkes, Richie AND Simm? I just hope somebody has thought about crowd control.

Heather Mills drives around with a spare prosthetic leg in the back of her car. Fact.

Ant and Dec are teaming up with Simon Cowell for major new Saturday night show Britain's Got Talent - a UK version of the US hit.

Dale Winton has signed up to host the revamped version of Supermarket Sweep.

Wednesday 13th December - I heart Angelina

Lindsay Lohan has confirmed she's been going to AA and says she hasn't had a drink in seven days. She told US People magazine 'I just left an AA meeting. I've been going to AA, for a year by the way. Well it's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal to, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I have Red Bull'. Erm, going to AA: one year. Sober: 7 days. Sounds like it's going well.

Just days after being a bit weird during her tribute to Dolly Parton, Jessica Simpson is having trouble with her lines on the set of her film, Blonde Ambition, and apparently had to get an earpiece so a crew member could read her her lines.

It looks like Tara Reid wants a piece of the Paris/Llo/Britney boozy action - here she is falling out of Kabaret Prophecy. Isn't she pretty?


Stella McCartney has had a baby girl and has named her Bailey Linda Olwyn Willis.

Bryan Ferry, Elton John, Duran Duran, Joss Stone and Pharrel Williams are all going to perform at the Princess Di memorial concert next year.

Brendan Cole has been at it again and this time the cha-cha-cha-ing lothario has somehow managed to wangle himself a love triangle. Cole was said to be 'all over' glamour model Leilani at La Dolce Vita charity party but then flirted with Sophie Anderton in the VIP section, prompting Leilani to try and break the pair up. Rough-house Anderton was having none of it and got the bouncers to remove Leilani, but it all backfired when Cole left too.

Angelina has given an interview to US Vogue, saying she never stole Brad from Jennifer - 'we just kind of became a pair' she said. Would you just look at them here, they're that beautiful I could cry.
Linda Lusardi has been signed up to play a superbitch in Emmerdale.

Nasty old queen Scott Henshall will appear in WAGs Boutique - he will set the WAGs tasks.

Simon Cowell has lashed out at Jamelia after she said Leona Lewis' voice was 'Mariah Carey circa 1990'. 'Jamelia's been fantastic. She's a one-hit wonder and she's got all the advice. My advice to her would be to have a second hit then have an opinion'. bitched Cowell.

Tuesday 12th December - Nicole Richie gets arrested

Britney Spears has been spotted snogging this man. He is a music producer called Jonathan "J.R." Rotem and this is his Myspace page http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=58313691 - will she never learn?

Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI yesterday after two drivers spotted her driving the wrong way up the motorway. Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot, although a breath test showed she wasn't drunk. The police report also says Nicole weighs 85lb - 6 stone 1lb. Here's her mugshot - how anyone can suggest she's not a picture of health is beyond me.

Mariah Carey is trying to stop porn star Mary Carey from trademarking her name because she's afraid her fans could get the two confused. Yep - nothing porny about Mariah:

Eastenders' John Bardon - Jim Branning is to appear on BBC1's Just The Two Of Us. Yeesh. Other contestants are Hannah Waterman, Janet Ellis, Gregg Wallace of Masterchef fame, Lou Batley from Hollyoaks, Watchdog's Julia Bradbury, someone from Casualty and Brendan Cole - as reported yesterday. Is anyone else sealing their eyes up in preparation for this?

Ricky Gervais is planning a third series of Extras and says he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in it.

Tori Spelling's dignity knew no bounds at the weekend when she threw a yard sale - and not for charity either. About 300 people showed up to buy wine glasses, paintings, lingerie, roller skates, a rubber duck, and even a plastic Starbucks mug with a smear of Tori's lipstick which sold for $25.

Never one to let a trend pass her by, JLo has hopped on the buying babies bandwagon and is said to be planning to adopt a child. It would seem Malawi is very last month though - Lopez is after a Puerto Rican kid.

Mel Gibson has said he's quitting acting because he prefers working behind the camera.

Naomi Campbell has won an award for talking rubbish. The Plain English Campaign have given Campbell the 'Foot In Mouth' trophy after she said 'I adore English food. There's nothing I like more than lovely bowl of pasta'. The big dope.

BBC show Strictly Dance Fever has been axed after two series.

Fergie, Duchess of York, is to appear in the US version of Strictly Come Dancing. Now there's a woman who'd sell her nan for a bit of airtime.

Here is Nadine Coyle, falling over after a night out on the lash in London at the weekend.

Here's Paris and Nicky Hilton, in a limo at the Playboy mansion, throwing a pose that some might say is a bit weird for sisters.

Monday 11th December - Jude Law is skint

Tom Cruise is getting porkier by the day - check out his man-waps.

US Magazine In Touch are saying Britney has turned to prescription medication drugs to help with her split from Kevin Federline and that she's been spotted carrying several types of anti-depressants in her purse. A source who says she was in the loos with Britney at some fancy pants Hollywood restaurant said, 'it looked like a pharmacy in there - I have never seen so many pills - there was a bottle of Paxil, an antidepressant, and a bottle of Xanax'.

Billie Piper and Kate Winslet haves spoken out about skinnies. Again. Piper says that people like Posh Spice are bad role models and reckons the size zero trend is 'unbelievably disgusting' and Kate claims she will not have magazines featuring skinny women in her house in case they influence her daughter. She's obviously still happy to appear in and be airbrushed by those same magazines though.

Ray and Leona are in the X factor final and Louis isn't best pleased. He reckons neither have the potential to be stars - Ray is 'panto boy' and Leona 'hasn't got a great personality - she's very shy and very normal'.

I really badly want to make this picture into a Christmas card:

Amy Winehouse is a wreck. She turned up to London restaurant Cottons at the weekend shitfaced. It was only 7pm. 'She went to the loo and when she came back her trousers weren't done up properly. You could see her bottom', said a witness. Eventually Wino had to be carried out of the restaurant.

Following in the footsteps of All Saints who also suffered an embarrassing, why-did-you-even-bother comeback, Emma Bunton's latest album limped into the charts at number 65 yesterday.

Jude Law reckons his divorce from Sadie cost him a fortune - 'my bank account is therefore almost empty' he says.

Moneybags property tycoon Ray Smith spent £1.5million on agagglee of stars to perform at his Christmas party in Merseyside. Will Young, Lionel Richie, Charlotte Church, Jason Donovan, Ricky Tomlinson, The Sugababes and Westlife were among those who'd do anything if the price was right.

Serial reality star Brendan Cole is set to appear in the next series of Just The Two Of Us.

Zara Phillips was named BBC Sports Person Of The Year last night after claiming individual gold in the three-day eventing competition at the World Equestrian Games in Germany, in August.

Jungle Jason Donovan is launching a comeback tour next year - he'll perform 18 gigs across the UK, starting in May.

Friday 8th December - Beyonce wears a wig

Lindsay Lohan has surpassed her big, bad, mental self by writing a nutcase email to friends and family claiming that Al Gore would help her battle against the media. She says, 'Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out'. I'm officially putting Lohan on deathwatch. Don't tell Anna Nicole, she'll be devastated if she hears she's lost the top spot.

In response to her hard-partying, no-knicker ways, Britney has posted this on her website - 'It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria's Secrets' new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me. I'm just getting started ... Happy Holidays everyone!'. I genuinely cannot decide whether she's a tramp or a hero.

Heather Mills has decided to represent herself in lieu of hired legal counsel in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney. What a knob.

Matt Lucas is to play Friar Tuck in the new series of Robin Hood.

Does Beyonce wear a wig?:

Not content with having just Tom and Katie as her new best mates, Posh has been dining out with JLo and Marc Anthony, as well as the Cruise newlyweds, in Beverly Hills.

Madonna and Guy are still on the rocks. The pair were out for dinner at exclusive Italian restaurant Cecconi's and ended up having a hue grow in front of the diners. Guy was attacking Madonna for being 'controlling' and telling her that he'd had enough.

Leona is set to sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow in tomorrow's X Factor.

Jordan reckons she's Paris Hilton's latest best mate after the pair met at a London bash and Pais told her 'you're hot'. 'She's invited me over to visit', said Jordan. Seeing as Paris can't even remember to put knickers on, I'm getting a funny feeling she's going to have no recollection of that conversation.

Liam Gallagher is David Gest's biggest fan. He was at The Wolseley with drippy and drippier Nicole Appleton and Kate Thornton when he spotted Gest sat in a booth nearby. The ageing badboy of rock rushed over to David and said 'I love you man, I voted for you in the jungle'.

It's reckoned Noel Edmonds will get £4million to keep hosting Deal Or No Deal.

Page three stunner Leilani Dowding is set to appear on Celebrity Big Brother. Bit boring.

A big, rich Myleene fan has paid £7k for her bikini. I say fan, I could quite easily have said stalker sex pest.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a fairytale Christmas wedding in South Africa. Sources say the pair were persuaded to wed in a small village outside Johannesburg on the advice of chat-show powerhouse Oprah Winfrey.

Bette Midler isn't too keen on Britney and Paris' latest antics. She has branded them 'wild and woolly sluts'. Amazing.

Thursday 7th December - Monty Don used to be a wrong 'un

TV gardener Monty Don has admitted he used to sniff glue, shoplift and take drugs.

It's all gone a bit wrong for Robbie - while Take That are riding high with their number one album, he's to appear in panto. Kind of. He will appear as a holographic genie in Aladdin in his home town of Stoke.

Myleene's white bikini from I'm A Celebrity is set to raise over £3,000 for Farepak victims after being put up for auction on eBay.

Kerry Katona says she is being haunted by a ghost that blows up lightbulbs and flicks her TV on and off. Sure she is.

Eddie Murphy apparently dumped Mel B for 'bad-mouthing' his mother Lillian. Murphy's staff told him that Mel had been rude and abrasive to his beloved mum while he was away on location filming. At the premiere for 'Dreamgirls' in which Eddie stars with Beyonce, Murphy unveiled the woman he has ditched big fat pregnant Mel for - film producer Tracey Edmonds. The pair have been dating for a month and a half. This has all come to a shock to Mel who was on a plane when Eddie told the world about the split and had to hear from friends that she was even dumped. She's also insisting the baby is his. Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!

So not only is Britney and old slut, it also looks like she drink drives. She was seen carrying a glass of wine to her car after a dinner in West Hollywood and even though she gave the wine to an assistant before climbing behind the wheel, Britters then drove herself to meet pals.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning another wedding party to take place on Saturday at his producing partner Paula Wagner’s Beverly Hills mansion for friends and family whcoulddn’t attend the couple's nuptials last month in Italy. Ok, give it a rest Tom, we get it. You're as straight as they come.

More Britney news. The LA Department of Children & Family Services has apparently been contacting Britters because they're worried about the wellbeing of her kids after her recent 'bizarre' behaviour. Bizarre? Yep, you could say that. Just like you could also say 'really, really slaggy'. Here she is, shattering everyone's dreams of a glamorous and classy comeback:

Liz Hurley has sparked a bit controversysey by designing leopard-print bikinis for girls aged 2-10. It is a bit weird:

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe is the youngest person to appear on the Sunday Times Rich List - he's 17 and worth £14million.

Vince and Jennifer have officially split, their reps have confirmed it.

Chelsy Davy has put her Cape Town home up for sale, ready for a move to be near Prince Harry.

Jamelia has blasted X Factor's Leona, branding her 'a bit Mariah Carey circa 1990'. Big fat jealous Jamelia also said 'I don't know how she would fit into the music industry'.

Wednesday 6th December - Heather Mills is still a bitch

Jordan and Peter Andre have revealed to OK! mag that she's pregnant.

This is Denise Richards at Monday night's Billboard Awards. She looks B-A-D.

And here's Gwen Stefani at the same bash, looking like Mrs Whippy on drugs.

Gwyenth Paltrow might not be as insipid as we all thought after all. She reportedly told a Portugese newspaper, 'I love the English lifestyle, it's not as capitalistic as America...I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans'. Sadly, this vague glimmer of interest from 2-D Paltrow was soon stamped on the minute she realised her comments might just piss off some people and she has since furiously backpedalled her way into boredom, telling People magazine, 'I feel so lucky to be American. When you look at the rest of the world, we're so lucky, and that's something my dad always instilled in me. I feel so proud to be American'. Yawn.

Beyonce is throwing Jay-Z a four-day 'surprise' next weekend but people are saying it's actually their wedding she's organising. Family and close friends have apparently been told to have any passport applications filed so they can attend the bash on a yacht in St. Barts.

So maybe Jessica Simpson's Dolly tribute wasn't so bad after all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0WBHI-Wl94&eurl= What is this world coming to when you can't even trust the gossip columns not to exaggerate a story - I'm shocked? Still, it's not all bad, while this clip may not come up with the goods in Simpson terms, the shot of Dolly and her cockatiel hair is pretty funny.

Jen Aniston and Vince Vaughan might have broken up again. BO-ring.

The black cocktail dress worn by Audrey Hepburn in the film Breakfast at Tiffany's has sold for a record £410,000 to an anonymous buyer.

Slagface Heather Mills accused BA staff of humiliating her after staff got a wheelchair instead of a buggy to take her off her flight. Mills was overheard ranting to her helper 'have you got it in for me? This is vile! Don't you know I only have one leg? Why are you treating me like this?' Apparently the ungrateful cow had requested a wheelchair when she booked her economy flight but expected to get a ride to the departure gate in an electrical buggy.

King Of The Jungle, Matt Willis, says he's still miles off winning his battle with booze, despite two stints in rehab. Seeing as he celebrated his I'm A Celebrity win with a lock-in at his local, I'd say he's probably right.

Ben Freeman was yesterday freed to fly home from Barbados for Christmas following rape charges, but has been instructed to be back in the Caribbean on March 15th.

Channel 4 has picked a veiled Muslim woman to give its alternative Christmas speech.

Girls Aloud made £1,234,267 in one year but ended up making a loss after blowing £1,262,572 on partying. Ginger Nicola admitted 'I spend my money on shit'.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers have signed up to perform at The Brits. They'll join Lily Allen, Scissor Sisters and Oasis on the bill.

Corrie stars with a history of drug abuse are being given random tests by their bosses.